Last Word: Bruce Gobbelaar

The Christmas turkey

Let’s start at the beginning, what do you eat for breakfast?
In winter, nuts, fruits, and grains make up the bulk of a wild turkey’s diet. Being more sophisticated, I prefer to breakfast on artisan granola with acai berries.

And your go-to guilty pleasure?
Roast goose with all the trimmings. Silly creatures, those geese – they have no idea what awaits them on the other side of the farm fence.

What would be your last meal on earth?
My sister Bernice informed me yesterday that turkeys are described by something called Google (or is that Gobble?) as “opportunistically omnivorous”,  What an obvious thing to say – who isn’t, after all? Acorns, hickory nuts, beechnuts and walnuts are wonderful at Christmas, and a nice plump garden snail dipped in chocolate always goes down a treat.

What can I find in your fridge back at the family coop right now?
Berries, wild grapes, crab apples, other small fruits and a couple of small reptiles, obviously. Don’t you have any sensible questions?

Which ingredient would you grab if you could only choose one?
A dish of humble gravel. It’s vital for the digestion, don’t you know?

You must have plenty of essential kit in the kitchen. Which is the most important?
My wife Barbara has invested in a rather marvellous instrument which I believe is called a turkey baster. Apparently, it has a myriad of unexpected uses, including the liberal application of truffle oil to 21- day aged caterpillar. It’s life changing!

And your favourite cook book?
Mrs Beekton’s Book of Cookery and Household Management, naturally. Isn’t it everyone’s go-to?

What’s your favourite dish to make at home?
I’m terribly keen on a fricasse of grasshopper, spider, and caterpillar with a side dish of wilted wild grape. Do you have any handy, by any chance?

What’s your favourite accompaniment?
Now, that is easy! After spending much of my life experimenting with texture, flavour and presentation, I can safely say that bread sauce is the king of accompaniments. It’s wonderful with goose (don’t tell them I said that…).

You have become very popular on Twitter recently. How come?
My fans seem to particularly enjoy my brooding self portraits. Interestingly, I have thousands of followers and they all seem to want to have me over for Christmas dinner. I’m spoilt for choice!

If you had your choice of Christmas lunch venue, where would you go?
KFC always goes down a treat (don’t tell the chickens I said so – I don’t think they know what it stands for), and I am told that our coup is going on a Christmas holiday this year. Apparently, our destination is a wonderful secret, and we’ve been told to inform our families we may be some time.
I can hardly wait…

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